WalaHaja #10: Pursuing answers, belonging to a new vision

WalaHaja #10: Pursuing answers, belonging to a new vision

“Nowhere and everywhere.”

This is how my psyche responded to the question of belonging. The chaos, corruption and mobbing of where I came from and the mismatch of energies everywhere else brought me back to basics and Dahab was the place to be.

“Paris broke him” that’s what they said about Ragner Lothbrok. Though, for me it was “Berlin”.

The Samurai Warrior being framed into “The enemy of the community and the state” required a different type of journey, a journey of surrender and healing that started with a trip to Al-Sorat Farm:

Life could be unfair sometimes and that’s okay, our duty as humans is to accept and make peace with that and with the intensely broken parts of our being as a result of interfacing with the experience of being part of that world.

Though, sometimes our social duties and what is promoted to us as the “collective good” requires for us to bring light to the dark situation that has been imposed upon us and situations we had been put through because of actual experience, its dark reflection on our psyche and threats of what would happen if you speak up.

This is what I have experienced in silence throughout my life, I had to “shut up” and “sit down” and “suck it up”, what happens to you if you are young, lonesome and naive is that you internalize bits and pieces of what these people being a lot more in numbers, much older or more powerful and your continuous struggle of being overloaded with secrets and contradictions, they must know better and there must be something wrong with you, until you stop, zoom in and figure out it is really not.

I shut up about these lies for years and saw other people going through the same, till it became a certain evidence to me that “the greater good” definitely could never be within the system of people, behaviors and standards of conduct currently present, neither is it about staying silent about it.

“The world is a dangerous place to live. Not because of the people who are evil; but because of the people who don’t do anything about it”. – Albert Einstein

I have meditated for years, months, days and hours through the literal definition of darkness trying to find answers, gathering pieces of knowledge and wisdom from different and often seemingly contradicting philosophies, backgrounds and human connections to form a solid identity, before committing to a structure or a certain way of living.

The bible also says:

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-11

So, no matter how intense wounds of the heart would trigger feelings of hurt, resentment and vengeance and does overloads your system at times, nature is way stronger than what people think, and that also includes your human nature once you look so deeply into it, so it all eventually dissipates and is replaced with a beautiful vision.

I don’t know how to express this internal transition except with this piece of poetry:

غمست سنك في السواد يا قلم

عشان ما تكتب شعر يقطر ألم

مالك جرالك إيه يا مجنون … و ليه

رسمت ورده وبيت و قلب و علم


– صلاح جاهين

“I have soaked your tip in the darkness of this ink, oh my pen

Intending for poetry that drips with pain and sadness

oh, old friend, what happened to you, and oh, tell me why

you just draw a flower, a home, a heart and a flag

For that I do keep wondering and pondering” – Abdo’s translation of Salah Jahin’s Poetry.

And this internal transition is what allows for a new vision to emerge, there on the top of the mountains, the Stoic rough edges were softened by art and affection and became the foundation for a new beginning, a new belonging and a new community for those who vibe on the same frequency.




Also published on Medium.

Leave a Reply